Nursery Rhymes (That are majorly screwed up!)
by Ladybug Queen
Summary: I messed up our favorite old nursery rhymes to give them a LOTR-ish flair! They are hillarious! Just read them if you don't believe me. Then tell me what you think.
1. Nusery Rhymes

Nursery Rhymes  
  
(That are majorly screwed up!)  
  
By Stupid Kitten  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my apologies…)  
  
  
  
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Now I'm messing with nursery rhymes. See how low I'm beginning to sink.  
  
In that case- You had better review!  
  
Now on with the rhymes…  
  
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#1: Merry, Merry, Feet are Hairy (Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary)  
  
Merry, Merry,  
  
Feet are hairy;  
  
How does your pipe blow?  
  
With lung cancer,  
  
And asthma,  
  
And emphysema in a row.  
  
  
  
  
  
#2: Messy King Aragorn (Old King Cole)  
  
Messy King Aragorn was never shorn,  
  
And never shorn was he.  
  
He fired his barber,  
  
And he fired the scissors worn,  
  
And he fired the nail clippers, see.  
  
  
  
#3: Hey Pippin Pippin (Hey Diddle Diddle)  
  
Hey Pippin Pippin,  
  
He's really trippin';  
  
He peed over the moon.  
  
Little Merry laughed to see the dork,  
  
And Sam ate a spoon.  
  
  
  
#4: Sick Rub a Dub Dub (Rub a Dub Dub)  
  
Rub a dub dub,  
  
Three men in a tub,  
  
Who do you think they be?  
  
An elf, another elf,  
  
And yet another elf.  
  
Turns out they're gay, all three.  
  
  
  
#5: The Queen of the Woods (The Queen of Hearts)  
  
The queen of the woods,  
  
Met some hoods,  
  
All on a lousy day.  
  
The guards of the woods,  
  
They killed those hoods,  
  
And with their drugs ran away.  
  
  
  
The king of the woods  
  
Hated hoods,  
  
And also disliked drugs;  
  
The guards of the woods  
  
Who had killed the hoods,  
  
Were turned into Persian rugs.  
  
  
  
#6: Little Sam Gamgee (Little Jack Horner)  
  
Little Sam Gamgee took a pee,  
  
Drinking herbal tea;  
  
He put in his finger a bit, and scalded it,  
  
And said, "OH SHIT!--- I mean, oh gee!"  
  
  
  
#7: This Little Elf (This Little Pig)  
  
This little elf did his hair,  
  
This little elf painted his nails,  
  
This little was really gay,  
  
This little elf was too,  
  
This little elf screamed, "Eat me!"  
  
All the way home.  
  
  
  
#8: Gandalf be Old (Jack be Nimble)  
  
Gandalf be old,  
  
Gandalf be sick,  
  
Gandalf has got  
  
Really arthritic.  
  
  
  
#9: Elrond, Elrond, Souffle Eater (Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater)  
  
Elrond, Elrond, soufflé eater,  
  
Had a feast but couldn't have dinner;  
  
He threw it in the kitchen sink,  
  
Until it began to really stink.  
  
  
  
#10: Frodo Baggins (Humpty Dumpty)  
  
Frodo Baggins sat on the ground,  
  
Frodo Baggins was never found;  
  
All the Wizard's potions and all the Wizard's tricks  
  
Didn't find anything but a sack of bricks.  
  
  
  
#11: The Old Hobbit who Lived in a Hole (The Old Woman who lived in a shoe)  
  
There was an old hobbit who lived in a hole;  
  
He had so much money he lost his soul.  
  
He gave Frodo a ring, without any warning;  
  
He shut the door soundly as he left before morning.  
  
  
  
#12: Legolas and Gimli (Jack and Jill)  
  
Legolas and Gimli went up a chimney  
  
Just for the hell of it.  
  
Gimli did trip and busted his lip  
  
And the chimney echoed with Legolas's laughter.  
  
  
  
Down Gimli fell, and he went to hell  
  
And escaped as fast as the dickens,  
  
He ran to his cave and curses he gave  
  
To Legolas and his pet chickens.  
  
  
  
#13: Little Mister Celeborn (Little Miss Muffet)  
  
Little mister Celeborn  
  
Sat on some corn,  
  
Guzzling margaritas and wine.  
  
Along came Haldir,  
  
Drinking beer,  
  
And with Celeborn he discussed sine and cosine.  
  
  
  
#14: All Around the Muddy Gush (All Around the Mulberry Bush)  
  
All around the muddy gush,  
  
The man chased the hobbit,  
  
The man chopped down a tree,  
  
And squish! went the hobbit!  
  
  
  
#15: Ring Around the Sauron (Ring Around the Rosie)  
  
Ring around the Sauron,  
  
Now his Ring is gone,  
  
Upstairs, downstairs,  
  
It all fell down.  
  
  
  
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Was it good? I wrote it very late at night because I had imsomnia. Tell me which one was your favorite. I'll do more if you ask in your reviews.  
  
Can you believe I actually had to look in my old baby books to remember how the words to the rhymes went?  
  
  
  
_______________________As always:  
  
  
  
Stupid Kitten 


	2. More Nursery Rhymes!

Nursery Rhymes That are Majorly Screwed Up:  
  
Part Two  
  
By Stupid Kitten and Stupidkittensbro  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Neither does he.  
  
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1. Frodo that is Stinky (Wee Willie Winkie)  
  
  
  
Frodo that is stinky,  
  
Made an odd sound,  
  
Upstairs and downstairs,  
  
All around.  
  
Killing all the flowers,  
  
Smiting all the grass;  
  
Saying, "How did you like the smell coming out my ass?"  
  
  
  
2. Bickery Sickery Sock (Hickory Dickory Dock)  
  
Bickery sickery sock,  
  
Elrond cooks with a wok;  
  
The wok fell down,  
  
And he screamed bloody murder.  
  
Bickery Sickery Sock.  
  
  
  
3. Simple Sam (Simple Simon)  
  
Simple Sam  
  
Ate a yam,  
  
While pissing behind a tree.  
  
Said Simple Sam to the yam,  
  
"Don't you like my pee?"  
  
Says the yam to Simple Sam,  
  
"I'm blind."  
  
Says Simple Sam to the yam,  
  
"You're really kind."  
  
  
  
4. Pippin Whippin (Georgie Porgie)  
  
Pippin Whippin,  
  
He's real shy;  
  
Kissed a girl,  
  
But she was a guy.  
  
Then Merry just came out to say,  
  
"Pippin, you're gay!"  
  
  
  
5. Merry had a Little Lamb (Mary had a Little Lamb)  
  
Merry had a little lamb,  
  
It was covered with gasoline.  
  
And every match that Merry lit,  
  
Blew him away clean.  
  
The lamb went into a nuclear plant one day,  
  
And Merry went, too;  
  
It made all the world blow away  
  
When the lamb went BOOM!  
  
  
  
6. Dweedle, Dweedle Dwumpling (Deedle, Deedle Dumpling)  
  
Dweedle, dweedle dwumpling,  
  
That Gimli,  
  
Blew up an elf with an uzi;  
  
First he'll cry then he'll pee,  
  
Dweedle, dweedle dwumpling,  
  
That Gimli.  
  
  
  
7. Sing a Song of Six Rings (Sing a Song of Sixpence)  
  
Sing a song of six rings,  
  
Riding on a pony;  
  
Four and twenty elves  
  
Eating macaroni!  
  
When the macaroni was finished,  
  
The elves began to moan;  
  
Isn't it unpleasant to get indigestion  
  
When you're not alone?  
  
Legolas was in the forest,  
  
Picking lots of flowers;  
  
Galadriel was in the bathroom,  
  
Singing in the shower.  
  
Elrond was in the kitchen,  
  
Trying to cook a decent meal;  
  
Down fell the ceiling,  
  
And over he did keel.  
  
  
  
7. Little Perky Pippin (Little Boy Blue)  
  
Little Perky Pippin,  
  
Don't eat that cake!  
  
The sugar is too high,  
  
The frosting is fake.  
  
Where is that hobbit, who was warned not to eat?  
  
He's in an asylum, for swimming in concrete.  
  
Will they take him?  
  
Definitely not I;  
  
'Cuz if I do,  
  
I'm sure to die.  
  
  
  
8. Moosey, Moosey, Mordor (Goosey, Goosey, Gander)  
  
Moosey, moosey, Mordor,  
  
There they will wander.  
  
Upstairs, downstairs,  
  
And in Sauron's chamber.  
  
There they met a Dark Lord  
  
That was looking for the ring.  
  
They kicked him in the teeth,  
  
And brought him to the king.  
  
  
  
9. Little Bo-Merry (Little Bo-Peep)  
  
Little Bo-Merry has lost his dromedary,  
  
Doesn't know where to find it;  
  
Get on the phone, and call him at home;  
  
Finding that he had to shit.  
  
  
  
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Was this one better than the last one? My brother helped me a bit (especially about the wok), so give him a little credit. My younger sister helped me with the dromedary, so give her a bit, too. Please review if possible- I have a bet with my brother that I can't get ten new reviews… and ten dollars are a stake! So, please review! (Put in a good word for my brother in case it may lighten my sentence…)  
  
Thanks in advance!  
  
Stupid Kitten 


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